December… beautiful Phoenix, Arizona.. Inner Peace Getaway. Sounds refreshing, right?
The weekend was indescribably more. This American Widow Project getaway was an opportunity for twelve military widows to step away from the chaos of life and spend a few days to recharge, reflect, reach new adventurous heights and create friendships that could possibly last a lifetime.
The women arrived from all over the country- Minnesota, Georgia, Colorado, California, North Carolina, Virginia…and as far as Alaska- not sure what to expect in the days ahead. The first thing I noticed when I arrived at the huge Phoenix house they would call home for the weekend was how quickly the ladies had connected with each other. The bonding was immediate and deep because of their stories of love, and ultimately loss of their military hero husbands.
“Surviving the Holidays without Losing Your Mind!” was the workshop I had prepared to facilitate; but learned quickly these twelve women would teach me far more about life, loss and survival than I could ever teach them.
Here are a few of the things I hope to always remember from twelve of the braves people I know:
*whether it’s been three months or ten years since the tragedy, grief can still be intense with unexpected waves of emotion.
*suggesting her hero is in a better place; or telling a widow, “you’re young. You can marry again,” are top of the not-recommended- comment list.
* “grief can feel like PMS,” was my favorite quote of the day.
* helping in specific ways, as in “I’d love to bring you dinner tonight, rake your yard, or put your kids through college,” [oops, I added the last one] will likely bring a smile to her face.
* suggesting she should, “be over it by now” is a) ridiculous, and b) hurtful. Closure is for bank accounts. Not love accounts.
* taking her kids shopping before Mother’s day or Christmas are outstanding ideas.
* understanding she might not be up to extensive travel or “forced merriment,” will free her up to make the best decision for herself and her children this holiday season.
* acknowledging anniversaries, birthdays and other significant days reminds her she hasn’t been forgotten.
* spending time with her son, doing ‘man things,’ is invaluable.
* it’s OK to cry. It’s also OK to laugh. Inviting her to see Madea’s Christmas might be a great idea. Or not.
* stories, memories and photos of her hero are cherished treasures. Please share them. Telling his life story helps shift the mental focus from the sadness surrounding his death- to the goodness of his life.
*even if she looks really pretty (see photograph) and appears to have it all together, she could still be grieving deeply. Keep asking. Keep calling.
Thank you, American Widow Project friends for helping me see a little glimpse into your world. Your honesty, strength and willingness to share your journeys inspired me more than you know.
God’s peace to you and your family this holiday season, my friends.