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Few of us know the words to say at a time of intense sorrow. I surely don’t!

In the uncomfortable silence when someone’s lost a loved one, have you ever tried to fill the gap with words? Yep, me too. For some reason we’ll attempt to bring sense to a situation that really makes no sense.

Sometimes there are no words!

I would like to suggest three words in particular for the banned-after-grief list.

Well at least…_______________________. You fill in the blank.

Well at least she died quickly. What a great way to go.[but I never got to say good bye.]

Well at least you’re young; you’ll marry again. [but I already married the one I loved most.]

Well at least you have other children. [yep, but I loved this one more than life itself.]

Well at least they had a long life.[maybe so, but surely not long enough.]

Words may momentarily fill an awkward silence, but can minimize someone’s pain, tears and mourning.  

In the wake of crushing loss, If you’ve experienced the presence of a dear friend, silently saying, “I’m so sorry. I’m with you,” you have been blessed… probably better than 1000 words.        

If you have questions about what to say, what not to say- anything grief related, What’s Your Grief is an extraordinary site.  Check it out!

Let me introduce you to one of the coolest families ever- Mandy, Zac, Luke, Jake and Lizzy Smith. 

I met the Smith family eight years ago…right before their world came crashing down with a terrifying diagnosis nobody saw coming. Zac, a loving husband and father of three had advanced stage colon cancer. May, 2010 after an incredibly courageous battle, he graduated to heaven. My prayer is that their story of love, loss, grief, healing, laughter and the road back to joy-filled life will encourage you. The Smiths continue to inspire me like crazy.

Getting through the first Thanksgiving without Zac was impossible for his family to imagine. That’s why Mandy and the kids decided to seek out someone else who had experienced extreme adversity, and figure a way to help. Mandy along with Lizzy Jake and Luke shopped, cut, baked, carved and created a magnificent Thanksgiving feast- not for themselves, but for another family who had been through an unthinkable medical crisis.

And that’s how the Smith family’s journey of reaching out and giving back- even through grief- began. The journey that has ultimately brought them to a place of hope and healing.

Over the years their tradition has evolved into an annual “Friendsgiving” feast, where anyone without a place to go for Thanksgiving is welcome. Zac’s legacy statement on the wall serves as an encouraging reminder to all who visit, that “God is still God & God is still good. To God be the Glory.”

Christmas 2010, the Smiths wanted to find a way to say thanks to the medical staff at the Cancer Clinic who had showered Zac and their family with great care and kindness. The Smith’s annual Doughnut Day tradition continues even today. It’s so cool to see how the Smith kids have grown into amazing teenagers with gigantic hearts.

Extravagant generosity has been a secret weapon for Mandy and her phenomenal family, not only to soften the heartbreak of grief, but also to turn the mess into a mighty message of comfort and hope.

Mandy, Lizzy, Jake and Luke- your hearts and story are pure gold.

Thanks for showing the rest of us how it’s done!

I love my family. Like, seriously love them so much. And we love to celebrate- things like birthdays, new babies, rain, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Georgia Football, Clemson Football…I think you get the picture. Over the years when we  lost three of our family favorites, several years apart but each within weeks of the holidays- I remember wondering if I’d ever feel like celebrating again.

Maybe that’s you right now, if you’re missing someone you love this holiday season. 

There are a couple things I wish someone had told me back then. My hope is that one of these ideas might help somebody today.  

Recognize the Reality.                                                                                          It was three weeks before Thanksgiving when a late night call rocked my world forever. It was the shocking death of one of the coolest people I’d ever known- my mom, aka Beazy. Mom was the glue that held our crazy family puzzle together. She loved to host holiday dinners, welcome strangers and bake gingerbread men with the grand kids. Hospitality was clearly her love language.  

I wish I could tell you I navigated this unforeseen season with perfect skill and grace, but that’s actually now what happened! Her sudden death left me crushed and confused, preferring to run from the pain, rather than actually feel it. Ever done that? Crazy thing is, whether we try to anesthetize with pain meds, mac and cheese or margaritas, when you wake up and the sorrow’s still there!

Our dear friend, Clayton King shared a much healthier tip for facing the reality of loss. It was shortly after the death of his beloved mom, and then his (life hero) dad, both within 18 months. In the midst of profound grief and an unrelenting speaking schedule, Clayton made a commitment to set aside time everyday to get away from all distractions and to be still. In these quiet moments he would allow the waves of sorrow to wash over him,

rather than trying to run from the pain. Through journaling, praying and resting Clayton’s heart ultimately began to heal.

Remember and Celebrate the Goodness.                                                         Back to Beazy. Guys, she was no ordinary mom. Whether a grand kid spilled a 2 liter Coke on her formerly off-white carpet, or a kindergarten aged son carved with his tiny scissors, “I LOVE MOMY” on her mahogany dining table, she was still going to find a way to love you.  No matter what. To her, people were more important than things. Always. 

I want to be more like that when I grow up.

If you’re missing someone right now, remember that the story of your loved one’s life is much too important to be forgotten. I encourage you to share the memorable stories, and say the name of the person you’re missing this holiday season. Also, reaching out on social media is an excellent way to let people know you’re going through a tough season, and invite them to share a memory. 

My prayer is that over time your tears of sadness will transform into tears of joy and thankfulness for the people you have loved so dearly. 

Does your family have any special ways to celebrate the people you’re missing? Please share them with us-  [email protected]     

Special thanks to Lucille Rosetti from TheBereaved.org for sharing this beautiful article as we prepare for the holiday season.  

When you’ve lost a loved one, some of the hardest times are the holidays. If it’s the first holiday season after a loss, the pain can be even more acute. How on earth will you get through it without that person in your life?

It can be done, but it won’t be easy; grief never is. Resist the urge to crawl under the covers and sleep until Jan. 2. As nice as hibernation sounds, it’s just not what humans do. We put one foot in front of the other and slog through our trying times.

The following are some ideas to help you get through the winter holidays after losing someone you care about.

Remember Your Loved One

Avoiding discussion of your lost family member will make it seem like you’re forgetting that person, so honor him or her in your holiday rituals. You can make a memorial ornament, so you’ll have something special to remember your loved one by when you decorate the tree. You can also light a candle in memory of your loved one, make a toast, or start a new tradition.

Stay Close With Family

Cuddle a lot with a loved one, your children, or your pet. Closeness can make you feel a whole lot better. Say “I love you.” Even if you don’t come from “that” type of family, losing someone reminds you that life is precious, and you have to speak your love often. But sometimes being with family isn’t enough. The holidays are extra tough for everyone. If you haven’t already seen a therapist or joined a grief support group, start now. Also if you know someone in your usual social or family group who will cause you more stress, avoid that person. This is the time to take care of yourself.

Take Care of Yourself

When grieving, it’s important to look after yourself. Curl up by the fireplace with some hot cocoa and a good book. Don’t hesitate to buy yourself a gift and splurge on something you really want. You can even pretend it’s a gift from your lost loved one. Do your best to relax and get a massage, mani-pedi, or facial. Or all of the above! The point is to take care of you.

It’s probably also best to go easy on the alcohol. We sometimes think that drinking away the sorrow will help, and it does, for a minute. But alcohol is a depressant, which can make the grief even worse. Your hangover will remind you of that the next day. But don’t avoid fun entirely! Go sledding or go to fun parties. You never know what might get you into the holiday cheer. Just have an escape plan in case it gets too overwhelming. Tell your host that you might need a “time out” or just to go. He or she will understand.

Don’t Overdo It

Don’t overdo it. If you usually host all the family at your house or have the season’s biggest party, you don’t have to this year, or you could scale it down. Everyone will understand. If you’re struggling to cook or wrap presents or manage your household, don’t hesitate to ask for help. When people offer to help, they mean they want to help. Don’t just take it as a platitude. Feel free to forego decorations, too. If it’s too much to get it done, just let it go. There are no decoration police to give you a citation.

If you feel you just can’t face your family and need to get away, just go out of town. Nobody is going to judge you. Just beware that you might find yourself wishing you were with family. Or you might make a new holiday travel tradition.

Remember that the holidays are about love and family. Be with the ones you love and who love you and just try to make it through. The pain never goes away, but it gets easier with time.

In Honor of my mom, aka Beazy… 18 years ago today graduated to heaven.

Have you ever been ambushed by sorrow? That moment when something – maybe a song, a sight, a scent or even a date on the calendar brings a wave of emotion you never saw coming.

It was the one year anniversary of my mom’s unexpected shocking death; and I was feeling pretty smug, having made it all day without a major meltdown.
Mom was one of the most encouraging and hilarious people I’d ever known. Her “no problem” attitude could bring calm to the chaos of her five ambunctious (ambitious + rambunctious) kids. And, no matter what life threw her way, she had a way of convincing you everything was going to be OK. Sadly, her sudden death was seriously not OK with me!

Back to the evening of the first anniversary. At an event with friends, from out of nowhere I felt my cheeks getting flushed and eyes welling up with tears. There was no hiding what came next… the full on out-of-control- somebody-call- Estee Lauder ugly cry.

I wonder if the dam might have burst from 365 days of trying to convince people I was OK, when in reality my heart was still feeling pretty crushed.

As the tear tsunami subsided, a friend asked if he could pray for me. Funny how I had overlooked such an obvious secret weapon for so long. That night friends gathered around and prayed specifically that God would take away some of the pain from my heart. And He did.

When I woke the next morning, even though the circumstances had not changed- and mom was still gone, something felt different. The burden of sorrow felt lighter. Probably because I wasn’t carrying it all by myself.  If you’re missing someone you love- you don’t have to either!

Here are three quick thoughts for anyone who has loved and lost:
1) Tell the truth. Pretending everything’s good when it’s not will keep you stuck.

2) Use your secret weapon. Ask someone to pray over you. The Lord hears those prayers. He loves you. He has been faithful to heal my crushed spirits, not just after losing my mom, but several times since.

3) Remember, “grief is not a sign of weakness or lack of faith. It’s the consequence of awesome love. And that’s OK.”  ~ Mandy Smith  
If you’re struggling through sorrow right now, this Surviving Grief without Losing Your Mind article might help.  

I encourage you to let someone pray for you. If you can’t think of anyone, I would be honored to pray for you!  [email protected]

 For the past several years, I’ve spent a lot of time writing books – like Grief Survivor~ 28 Steps Toward Hope and Healing; and speaking at events to help other people who have loved and lost. It’s a whole ‘nutha level of grief when it’s one of your own people! A couple years ago, my family lost one of our finest- my brother Mike’s hilariously fun and beautiful wife, Kay. 

Here’s Kay with our fun and crazy cousin, Drew.

Since Kay’s graduation to heaven, I’ve tried to lean in to some of my own reminders from Grief Survivor. For anyone who is missing someone you love right now, I wanted to share a few of my favorites:

* surrounding yourself with people who make you smile is good medicine, (see photos)

* praying with thanksgiving, rather than worrying- can fill your heart with peace; and is better than Ambien on a sleepless night.

* saying the name of the person you’re missing and sharing stories about them is a wonderful way to honor their life and legacy.

* there’s no time frame for grief; and closure is for bank accounts. Not love accounts. 

* it’s OK to cry; and it’s also OK to laugh. 

* taking care of yourself is not selfish. It’s actually brilliant.

 the Lord what He has for you next. You might be surprised to find new passion and purpose.  

Mike (in the cool fishing hat above) is one of the most optimistic and faith-filled people I’ve ever known. Even through the toughest valleys, Mike’s life reminds everyone around him to keep looking up… noticing God’s goodness all around. Some of Mike’s greatest blessings these days are his adorable grand kids. It’s hilarious to see him cuddled up with a couple toddlers at  his their afternoon nap time. 

Such a sweet reminder that God is still God; and God is still good.    

Thanks, Mike- for reminding the rest of us to never stop looking up. I love you!!!