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Some “experts” will tell you that after losing someone you love, it takes about 14 days for life to get back to normal. What they don’t tell you is that’s for everybody but you!

Weeks after the death of someone close, it’s easy to feel as though you’ve slipped under the radar, as friends and family return to their busy lives.

Here are 3 things I wish someone had told me during my darkest times of grief:

1) You are not super woman/ man. And you don’t have to pretend you are. You’ve been through what might have been the most crushing loss of your life, so stop playing like everything’s OK when it’s not. (I’m talking to myself here!) The moment you admit your inability to conquer this mountain alone is the moment your burden will begin to feel lighter. Ask someone you love and trust to pray for you. It sounds simple, but the impact will be profound. 

Esther Fleece’s “No More Faking Fine,” is a powerful message of love, pain, loss and ultimately healing. In Esther’s words, “…scripture reveals a God who meets us where we are, not where we pretend to be.” If you’re faking fine like I was, you don’t want to miss this extraordinary book. 

2) Grief is sneaky. You’re having a peaceful day or week, when from out of nowhere a wave or “Tsunami of sadness” knocks you over. In an instant a melody, a fragrance -my mom’s Estee’ Lauder White Linen perfume; or a long forgotten photo carries you right back to how you felt in the beginning of your journey through grief.  

If that’s you, you are in good company. Last week this photo of my hilarious sister-in-law, Kay with my Mom, Beazy suddenly appeared in the wrapping paper drawer. Who put that there?! I smiled as salty tears streamed down my face. 

Crazy thing is, Kay graduated to Heaven 2 ½ years ago, and Mom, in 1999. Please know, from one who writes books about grief, for crying out loud-  that no matter how long it’s been… when a Tsunami sneaks up on you, it’s OK to cry, and it’s also OK to smile!  

3) You’re stronger than you think you are. Sometimes in the deepest valleys of sorrow we just need somebody to tell us we’re going to make it, and that the pain will not always be this intense. Friends, that’s my message to you today. 

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and isolated today, call God’s name… out loud! He will be there on the sleepless nights and when the sun comes back up, before you sneak your super hero cape back on! 

July challenge:  Will you wake up a little early tomorrow and spend a few quiet moments with the Lord? Tell Him exactly what’s on your heart- every good, bad, happy, sad unfiltered thought you’re thinking. Then sit quietly and listen. You may want to write about your experience in a notebook or journal. 

It was in those quiet early morning meetings, my heart began to heal. I believe yours will, too.  

“He will wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying, nor pain. All of that has gone forever.”  Revelation 21:4

This Father’s Day post is dedicated to our friend, Davey Blackburn.

Davey is the Pastor of Resonate Church in Indianapolis, IN. The Blackburns story of love, unthinkable loss, faith and hope continues to inspire people around the world. 

Davey, Amanda, baby Weston and Weston’s baby sister on the way- were living the dream. That was until November 10th, 2015 when, without warning their world came crashing down.   

Here’s a bit of their story, in Davey’s words: 

“It was a normal Tuesday morning. I woke up around 4:30am. Read my bible for a bit. Grabbed my gym clothes and headed out for a workout. When I returned home to shower I walked into a reality I’d never wish on anyone. My home had been broken into and Amanda was lying on the floor unconscious with 3 gunshot wounds – one to the head. Our 15 month old was in his crib upstairs. Amanda passed away in the hospital twenty-four hours later. Since that day Weston and I have been walking a road I would have never chosen for us or anyone else.”

Words can not begin to touch the deep pain and sorrow the Blackburn and Byars families have endured. One thing that has sustained them since Amanda’s death is their strong Christian faith and confidence that this is not the end of the story.   

Nothing is Wasted 

“Amanda used to own a business where she restored furniture. She would find a piece of junk someone was throwing away and with a little time and sweat equity she would restore it into something beautiful that people would purchase for a premium. She believed nothing was wasted.

Jesus promises us that with a little time He does the same thing with our tragedies and circumstances. If our story can be used as an instrument to serve and help you in yours then truly, Nothing is Wasted.”

Weston is almost three now. His dad, along with their family and close friends are doing everything they can to carry on his mom’s legacy of kindness, compassion and faith in Weston’s life. 

“It takes a village to raise a world-changer. Every night as I put Weston to bed I pray that Jesus grows Weston up to be a warrior for Him, that he would walk through life strong, brave, and courageous.”

“I hold firm to the belief that God is still good, that He takes our tragedy and turns it into triumph, and that the best truly is yet to come.” ~Davey Blackburn

Wishing you God’s grace and peace this Father’s Day and always. 

Please check out Davey’s new Nothing is Wasted podcast here. 

“Since 2001, over 6,600 U.S. service members have lost their lives in Iraq and Afghanistan, not including thousands of lives lost to illness and suicide. Thousands of wives and families are left to grieve, often alone.” ~ The American Widow Project  

In 2007, Taryn Davis’ life changed forever with a knock at the door, and the crushing news her beloved husband, Army Cpl. Michael Davis had been killed in action in Iraq.

In the months following Michael’s heartbreaking death, Taryn realized there were few people who could identify with her new life as a 22 year old widow. Determined to find people who might understand, she set out on a journey to connect with other military widows.

 The result of her cross country journey was the birth of the American Widow Project. The mission of this extraordinary non-profit organization is to unify, empower and educate Military Widows as they rebuild their lives. The photos are from some AWP weekend “getaways.”

Ladies, your honesty, strength and willingness to share your journeys inspires people more than you know.

This Memorial Day weekend, as we honor the legacy of fallen US Military warriors, I invite you to join me honoring the unsung heroes of the  American Widow Project.

God’s peace, my friends.

To find out more, please visit AmericanWidowProject.org

Who knew an 18 year old airport cafe server would be my Mother’s Day counselor?  

It was Mother’s day weekend, and life was especially good. With our grown kids scattered across the country, the idea of traveling to Colorado to spend a couple days with our daughter, Amy seemed like a particularly excellent idea.

Before the flight, I stopped at an airport cafe for breakfast. My 18 year old server welcomed me with a smile. It was obvious he was excellent at his job, a genuine people person.  

As Lamar delivered my coffee and spinach omelette, we struck up a conversation about Mother’s Day. His face lit up as he talked about his amazing mom. Lamar referred to himself unashamedly as a “mama’s boy.” She must be so proud of her delightful son.   

As I finished my breakfast, Lamar returned to check on me, and politely asked me about my mom. I casually responded, “she is in heaven.” 

There was no way to predict the tears that would come along with those four simple words. 

It had been fifteen years since her sudden “graduation” to heaven. Maybe that’s why the tear tsunami took me so off guard. 

I could feel the ache in Lamar’s heart, thinking he had upset me. My new 18 year old counselor melted my heart as he sat down next to me and gently patted my back, assuring me it was OK to cry. 

I didn’t have the heart to tell Lamar, through the mascara dripping down my cheek, that I spend much of my life speaking and writing to help other people find hope after loss. Nor did I have the guts to tell him his words are quoted almost verbatim in my book, Grief Survivor~ 28 Steps toward Hope and Healing. I doubt he would have believed me anyway!  

Lamar’s compassion and kind words reminded me that it really is OK to cry; and it’s OK to laugh– no matter how long it’s been.

If you’re missing someone this Mother’s Day season, I pray the Lord will place an angel like Lamar on your path when you need him most.  

Have you ever tried to go through a tough season all by yourself? Maybe you figure you’re strong enough. You can handle things on your own.  

I surely have- and I don’t recommend it!

Time alone to process painful situations is important, whether it’s grieving the loss of a loved one, the death of a relationship or whenever life is turned upside down. 

The danger comes when “alone time” turns to isolation. 

I don’t know about you, but for me that’s when the sneaky little voice creeps in and starts to whisper: 

– “Nobody cares about you.”

– “Nobody cares about your loved one or what you’re going through.”

– “Nothing’s ever going to change. Your pain will always be this intense.”

Truth is, that sneaky conniving little voice is a liar.

Three ideas for crushing the hurtful lies before they try to crush you: 

1)  Ask the Lord to replace the lies in your head with His truth. He loves you. He’s never going to leave you. That’s the truth. 

2) Meet up with an awesome friend for coffee, a walk or to go somewhere fun. 

3) If you feel like you’ve gotten stuck in a dark valley, the bravest thing you can do is get some help. Asking for help is not weakness. It’s brilliant. <-I wish someone had whispered this to me a long time ago.    

I love the promise that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted; and that He will rescue us when our spirits are crushed.      Psalm 34:18  

What are your secret weapons to combat isolation? 

Recently, I had the honor of spending time with some of the strongest people I’ve ever met- US Military Widows. The event was the American Widow Project Getaway in the Great Smoky Mountains.

As I heard stories about the womens’ hero husbands, I was reminded of the unthinkable sacrifice military families make every day. 

One theme from our time together was finding ways to get unstuck through a dark season after loss. 

Here are a few ideas from the AWP event that might help you or someone you know who is missing someone they love:

1) Memories, funny stories and photos of the person I’m missing are pure gold. If you have one to share, please send it to me!

2) Say their name. Hearing the name of my loved one is music to my ears; and a sweet reminder of the difference they made in your life, too.

3) I might need to drop off the social media grid for a while, but please keep calling and texting me.

4) If an anniversary, birthday or other difficult day is coming up, please let my family know you’re thinking about us.

5) It’s OK to always miss someone we love! Remember: closure is for bank accounts. Not love accounts!

And, here are three resources we discussed during our time together: 

* Esther Fleece’s brilliant new book, No More Faking Fine.  Esther’s gripping story gives you permission not only to be honest when your heart’s been broken, but also to cry out to God in your deepest times of pain.   

*An outstanding organization committed to serving military families, veterans and their spouses, (creatively named!) WhenLifeSucks.org. Their PTSD Survival School is excellent, and free of charge to veterans and military spouses.

* A free resource for grief support groups: the Grief Survivor 6 Week Group Study Guide.  

Thank you, ladies for showing me what true courage looks like. May your darkness one day be turned to dancing.  

God’s peace, my friends.