Are you considering hibernating through the holidays this year? Maybe it was the pink slip at work… or the loss of your home. For you it may have been the death of the marriage you believed would last forever, or the crushing death of someone you love. There’s never a good time for trauma to hit, but the holidays seem to be the worst!
The most shocking moment of my life was the late night call about my mom’s death. It was weeks before the holidays. In addition to being a best friend, mom had always been the glue to hold our family’s fabulously chaotic celebrations together. Three years later on December 9th we got the news that my dad had died peacefully in his sleep. The “peaceful” description didn’t change the fact that he was gone.
I recall during both holiday seasons, contemplating pulling the cozy comforter over my head and waking up in January when all the festivities were over. If you’re wondering how you’ll get through the “most wonderful time of the year,” maybe one of these ideas will help:
* lower the bar Perfection is not your friend this year (or maybe ever.) Decorate, entertain and cook/ or don’t decorate, entertain and cook. Give yourself permission to bring it all down a notch.
* choose your company and celebrations carefully. When you feel like being around people, try to surround yourself with those who encourage and energize you. Consider opting out of the tedious office party, or other events that drain your strength. My favorite 2013 quote: “No is a complete sentence."
* it’s important to have some time by yourself, but watch out for extended isolation. When the world feels upside down, the safest place for many of us is at home alone, far from other people. After mom’s death I remember getting a little too cozy to the point of isolation. Maybe you’ve been there. I started believing the little voice in my head whispering, "you’ll always be in this much pain,” and “nobody really cares about you.” Would you consider finding ways to connect with others this holiday season, even if it’s just for coffee or dinner with a close friend?
I want to close with some favorite entertaining tips from my mom: If the house isn’t completely sparkling, 1) dim the lights; 2) strategically an place enormous poinsettia; and when all else fails, 3) give the guests another beverage. And remember Stouffer’s spinach souffle’ with french fried onions on top, in your own casserole dish = homemade. Thanks, mom.
For more encouragement this holiday season, Open to Hope, and The Grief Toolbox are excellent sites.