Join Dr. Heidi Horsley, Dr Gloria Horsley and me for this Grief Relief Radio broadcast. The Horsleys are the finest mother daughter team on the radio, TV or the internet!!
Overwhelmed by Grief?
Have you ever felt overwhelmed by grief? I certainly have.
I remember combing the book stores for the perfect guide through the terrifying waters of sorrow. Surely there was a Grief for Dummies! I didn’t need another book about predictable stages of grief…in my life, absolutely nothing…
Honoring some American Military Widow (heroes)
As Memorial Day approaches, I am reminded of a weekend spent this spring with some of the bravest people I’ve ever met- all part of The American Widow Project.
As I approached the wrap around porch of the beach house, I could hear conversation and laughter coming from inside. It seemed like old friends getting together for a beach weekend- with flip flops and sandy clothes on the rocking chairs outside. As the front door opened, I was introduced to twelve beautiful ladies who had traveled from all over the country- San Diego, Virginia, Minnesota, New Jersey- for a few days together at Folly Beach, SC.
It had been a rainy start to the weekend, yet I didn’t hear the first word of complaining. I did hear about their surfing adventure and the amazing surf instructors who taught them the ropes. It was late March so I asked how they had survived the chilly Atlantic Ocean. Wet suits, they answered. One person compared the wet suit experience to trying on Spanx… only without the flattering results.
Twenty-four hours earlier most of these women were meeting for the first time; but the thread that instantly knit them together was a strong one. The event was the American Widow Project’s Southern Hospitality Getaway. Each of these women has a story of crushing heartbreak, as she became part of a group she never expected to join- American military widows.
We introduced ourselves and started the workshop entitled, “This wasn’t supposed to happen!” What an understatement. We discussed the importance of honoring our heroes by writing about their lives. We talked about the crazy things people say after a sudden death. * The good ones always die young. * At least you’re young, you can marry again. * I know just how you feel, my dog just died. Seriously? We referred to that part of the workshop as, “you can’t fix stupid.”
The American Widow Project founder and Executive Director, Taryn Davis has created an incredible environment for military widows to connect with other women who truly understand their pain. The events provide a place where it’s okay to cry; but it’s also okay to smile, laugh and embrace life again. I want to say a giant thank you to the hard-working staff, volunteers, and especially event coordinator, Danielle Schafer for making this life-changing weekend happen.
Spending time with these amazing women has given me a new appreciation for the incalculable sacrifices military families make. Please visit The American Widow Project to find out how you can support this life-changing organization.
WANT TO FAST FORWARD THROUGH MOTHER’S DAY?
Have you ever wished you had a huge remote and could fast-forward through something? A tedious conversation, or maybe a visit with the perky dental hygienist and her terrifying tray of metal weapons? I have.
Mother’s Day isn’t supposed to be on that list, is it? For anyone missing your mother this year, or maybe you’re a mom missing your beloved child, you know what I’m talking about. It’s inescapable — hourly reminders of happy moms and children everywhere you turn. If you’re considering pulling the percale sheets over your head and waking up Monday, you’re not alone.
I remember the first Mother’s Day after losing my mom. It was impossible to imagine the day without her in the picture. It’s been a few years now and the intense emotion has faded, but not without a few tears along the way. Here are a few thoughts that might help you this week:
* Make a plan. Don’t let the day sneak up on you. Tell someone close how you’re feeling, and ask for help planning a strategy of where you want to be, and how you plan to spend your day. A quick getaway to the beach or mountains might be the perfect way to get through the challenging weekend.
* Buy yourself a gift. Whether it’s a gorgeous flower arrangement or a trip to Tahiti, know that it’s okay to do something kind for yourself. Your loved one would be honored to know you’re smiling.
* Say what you need to say. Getting thoughts out on to paper is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. Write a letter to the person you’re missing. Thank them for the difference they made in your life. Talk about the things they left you-not tangible gifts, but things more like your sense of humor, musical ability, or even unconditional love. Gifts of the heart can never be taken away from you.
If you’re a mom grieving a child this Mother’s Day, The Compassionate Friends is an incredible resource~ not just for moms, but for the entire family.
If your mom and your children are still close by, don’t forget to tell them how much you love them! You’ll never regret it.
The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth
It is my honor to share this story from my dear friend Jesse Roberts… how do you really help a child who is grieving?
When talking with children about difficult topics such as death, it is much easier to “sugar coat” the truth than it is to be honest. We fear that children “can’t handle” the truth, or that they will have a more difficult time with the truth than they would with a more watered down version. We want to protect children from the pain that we experience. The reality is that our lack of openness can sometimes cause more difficulties than the honest truth.
My mother died unexpectedly when I was only 4 years old, and my family did not discuss her death with me. All I knew was that one night Mommy went to bed, and the next day, she was gone forever. As time progressed, my fear of losing others in my life (my dad, my grandmother, my aunts and uncles), began to consume me. It was a struggle for my dad to get me on the school bus in the mornings, and I refused to attend friends’ birthday parties or sleep away from home unless he was with me. My family did not understand why I was so terrified to leave my father’s side.
Looking back, the answer seems obvious, especially after such a traumatic loss, but to my grieving family, nothing made sense. The truth is, had someone in my family sat down and explained to me the reality of death, chances are, I would have adapted with less complications. In my mind, “Mommy went to bed and never woke up. The same thing could happen to Daddy, and Grandma, and Uncle Charles…” I attended my mother’s visitation and funeral, but no one took the time to explain to me what was happening. For all I knew, we were at a family reunion one day, and at a church service with a bunch of flowers the next.
If children are not told the truth, they begin to create their own realities. We visited my mom’s grave occasionally, but for a long time, I believed that my family was lying. When I was finally able to comprehend the idea of death, I denied that my mother had died. I vividly remember visiting her grave as an 8 or 9 year old, thinking to myself, “She’s not really here. She just left and no one wants to tell me the truth. She must not have loved me.” I never shared these thoughts with anyone, but they could have been easily extinguished had someone sat down and explained to me what had happened in terms that I could understand.
There are a few things I needed to know:
1) That my mother had died.
2) That death is permanent and that we cannot control it.
3) That my mother still loved me.
4) That it was ok to miss my mother.
5) That someone was going to take care of me.
An appropriate response may have been, “Last night Mommy went to sleep. Sometime during the night, her heart stopped, and when someone’s heart stops, they die. When someone dies, their body doesn’t work anymore. We don’t know why these things happen, but what we do know is that Mommy loved you very much, and she didn’t want to leave you…but there are some things we can’t control. Daddy misses Mommy a lot, and it’s ok for you to miss her too. I know this is scary, but no matter what, we are going to take care of you.”
These are difficult conversations, and it is important to be selective in how the truth is shared. My rule of thumb is, “Be real, but be sensitive.” It is important to speak to a grieving child in terms that he or she can understand. In cases of murder and suicide, it is not always appropriate to be detailed in sharing how the person died, but it is important to help the child navigate the reality and permanence of their loss.
Remember that each child is different, so meet them where they are. Consider the child’s cognitive ability, age, support system, and past experience with loss. Focus on their strengths to help them cope and most importantly – be sure they know that they are loved.
**Visit Jesse’s amazing site KidGrief to learn more.
The Gift that Keeps on Giving
What can someone do to make a difference as you begin to heal after losing someone you love? You probably have plenty of food, volumes of cards and a house full of flowers, but what kind of gift would genuinely touch your heart?
When you’ve loved and lost, memories are priceless treasures. What if there are stories about your loved one you’ve never heard? The next time a trusted friend wants to help, ask them to write a favorite memory and send it to you via mail or email. Can you imagine going to your computer or mailbox and discovering a cherished memory or picture you’ve never seen before?
As your treasures arrive, put them together in a scrapbook, memory box or journal. You’ll be reminded of the difference your loved one made in people’s lives.
Is there someone you know who might have a priceless story to share? Ask them to send it to you. You’ll be so glad you did.