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Gathering for the Holidays during Grief

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If someone’s missing from the picture this holiday season, you may be wondering how in the world you’ll make it through to January. You are not alone! It was four weeks before Thanksgiving the year my mom died suddenly. Then, a couple years later, my dad graduated to heaven on December 9th. Sometimes the holidays just seem like a really bad idea!

Here are a few things I wish someone had told me when our family was scrambling to figure out how to survive the holidays while grieving. Hopefully they will help you, too.

  • Don’t let the day sneak up on you. Get together with  your closest people to make a plan for how and where  you want to gather. Changing up the menu and/ or venue might be helpful this year. 
  • As much as we adore her…Joanna Gaines doesn’t live here. Give yourself permission to bring it all [cooking, decorating, entertaining, whatever] down a notch or two. Do what you love and feel up to doing. 
  • Say the name of the person you’re missing, so others feel free to do the same.  Reminiscing and sharing stories about your loved one can be great therapy. 
  • There’s no need to apologize if you need to leave an event early. And there’s no shame to leave a conveniently parked getaway car. ?
  • Taking time to rest. 20 or 30 minutes in a dark room to sleep, write, cry… whatever you need to do- can be refreshing. 
  • The Lord really is close to the brokenhearted- and will rescue us when our spirits are crushed. (from Psalm 34:18) If you’re feeling overwhelmed by grief right now, asking someone to pray is a great idea. 
  • You are stronger than you think you are.

What do you wish someone had told you?  Please share your ideas on the Grief Survivor FaceBook page!

What Friends Do

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Maybe you are one of the extraordinary people who knows exactly what to do and say when someone’s world has been shaken by tragedy. I am grateful for you! For the other 99% of us, reaching out when a friend is hurting can feel awkward and uncomfortable! If you’re like me, you probably fear you’ll say or do the wrong thing.

During my family’s deepest times of loss, there were a couple ideas that made a giant impact. Here are my top two:

1) Show up. My dear friend Leslie has a unique ability to show up at the exact moment you need to feel the love. Rather than saying, “call if you need anything,” she’ll let you know, “your dinner is in the oven. Would you like it tonight or tomorrow night?”

I love how she doesn’t casually drop the ball in your court during a traumatic time when you really don’t know what you need. No, she shows up! Leslie brings something yummy, then hugs you around the neck. Her kindness speaks louder than 1000 words, letting you know you’re not conquering this giant by yourself.

2) Reach out. The Lord has a phenomenal way of giving us a holy nudge when we need it. Act on it! Reaching out doesn’t have to be extravagant – a text, call or card to let a friend know they haven’t been forgotten will always arrive at the perfect time.

And, when there are no words. “What do friends do? They show up. They share the pain; and they shut up. They don’t give pious platitudes. They don’t give advice. They don’t try to talk a friend out of his pain. They don’t say, ‘it’s going to be OK.’ They just say, ‘We’re going to sit here with you. We’re going to be here for you. We’re going to hurt with you.’” ~ Pastor Rick Warren

This article has more practical ideas for helping a grieving friend. Also, consider passing this link to your friend. The Grief Survivor 8 day reading plan will encourage them to write, reflect and remember priceless stories about their loved one.

Say What You Need to Say

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Have you ever gotten so caught up in grief, you weren’t sure you’d ever find your way out?

It was four months after my mom’s hit-me-like-a speeding-train sudden death. Even though I was pretending I had this grief thing under control, in reality I was stuck and had no idea how to dig myself out of the deep sorrow. A typical day would be spent at home, safe from awkward questions and embarrassing public tears. Anybody else been there?

One morning after the kids had left for school, I settled into my cozy chair and started to think about my mom.  

What if I forget about her?

What if I forget about the day she followed a speeding ambulance through rush hour Atlanta traffic – to beat the crowd to Hobby Lobby? Doesn’t everybody’s mom do that?

I start to write every sweet, embarrassing and hilarious story I could possibly recall. About two hours later I realized I hadn’t moved a muscle, except to write.

The coolest thing happened that morning. As decades of memories poured out on the spiral notebook pages~ I started to smile, and even laugh again through the tears. Tears of thankfulness for this rare and extraordinary woman we called Mom (aka Beazy)

How about you?  

I don’t know your story, but I do know that remembering the people we love is one of the most beautiful ways not only to honor them, but also to begin to heal.

Do you have a place you can go to write their story?  You don’t need an expensive journal- a spiral notebook like mine will work just fine.

My prayer is that as you recall and write your good, bad and crazy ambulance-chasing Hobby Lobby stories, that you’ll begin to see sweet glimmers of healing.  

I invite y0u visit the Grief Survivor FaceBook to share a funny, sweet or memorable story about someone you’re missing right now.

Additionally, here is a YouVersion plan I created that will hopefully be encouraging for you… Grief Survivor .

Grace and peace, my friends

Getting Uncrushed from grief

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A sneak peak of what’s to come in the new book!


Is God really able to heal my shattered heart?

If you’re reading this, I’m guessing you’re missing an important part of your life puzzle. Whether you had time to say goodbye or death came suddenly, life without someone you love can feel chaotic, confusing, and downright crushing. While every person’s experience after loss is unique, you, too, may have more questions than answers. When you care deeply about someone, the sorrow when they’re gone can feel overwhelming.  

Through losing my mom, my dad, and later, my “yes-you-may-drive-my-purple-dune-buggy-to-high school” sister-in-law, Kay, the Lord has reminded me that their life stories are absolutely too important and too rich to be forgotten. 

One memorable story that comes to mind right now was the day my 5-year-old brother, John carved, with his kindergarten scissors on Mom’s mahogany dining room table, “I LOVE MOMY.” He didn’t even spell her name right! While the tiny criminal got in a little trouble, everyone knew she thought his permanent love note was pretty awesome. Deep down we always understood that to Beazy, people were more important than things. Always. My brother, John actually has the permanent mahogany love note in his dining room today. Little criminal. 

I’m sharing this family moment, and will be sharing lots more hope-filled stories from friends, because I believe you, too, probably have memories that are too important to be forgotten! And preserving priceless stories can be a significant step toward healing your grief and restoring your joy. 

Wherever you are on your journey, will you imagine a few possible scenarios with me?

  • What if the pain won’t always be this intense?
  • What if you could be confident your loved one won’t be forgotten?
  • What if you’re stronger than you think you are?
  • What if the person who used to finger paint with chocolate pudding (or whatever your life used to look like) is still inside, anxious to return? 
  • What if God really can turn your mourning into dancing? 

Uncrushed: real steps toward healing your grief and restoring your joy is different from anything I’ve found on the market because You and Your loved one are part of the story. You won’t find any psychobabble or promises that grief is a linear or not-messy process. What you will find are real life steps to help you feel what you’re feeling, know it’s OK to cry, and it’s OK to laugh, say yes to people who love you, and believe there really can be joy-filled life even after deep loss.

My friend, God sees you and He loves you. He will be with you every step of the way. No pain is too deep for Him to touch.

We invite you to stop by the Grief Survivor Facebook Page. Your stories of love, loss, life and finding joy inspire the rest of us more than you know! We’re all in this together.

Below are a few comments from recent months on the Grief Survivor blog. I share them to let you are not alone. God’s peace, my friends.

Where is Everybody?!

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Losing a part of your life puzzle is always hard. Losing someone during a global pandemic~ indescribable. 

Remember the days when people would show up for you in person? Help you plan a beautiful service to celebrate your loved one’s life? Bring meals? Wrap you up in a warm blanket of care after a painful loss? Me too. 

This crazy world of quarantines, social distancing and Covid-19 has brought monstrous changes to life, relationships, work, school, graduations, celebrations and how we mourn those we love. The new (and hopefully temporary!) normal has been a challenge for people across the globe, but especially for those who are grieving.

Here are a few thoughts and resources that might be helpful today and in the days ahead.

1. Spend the first moments of your day with the Lord. If you’re new to reading the bible, the YouVersion app is an outstanding resource. This Grief Survivor 8 day plan might be a comforting place to start.

Find a cozy spot away from distractions and the noise of life, switch your phone to airplane mode and bask in a few moments of solitude. Reading God’s word early in the morning, journaling what’s on your heart and spending a few moments in prayer can calm anxious thoughts and set a peaceful tone for your day. Enjoy the quiet… (until you switch your phone back from airplane mode).

2. Check in with others. During this unprecedented time of life disruption and quarantine, it’s more important then ever to see faces and hear voices of people you care about. When meeting in person is impossible, Zoom or FaceTime virtual visits can be the next best thing. Consider exchanging memorable stories and photos of your loved one through social media, text or email. Better yet, why not send each other a handwritten note along with a favorite photo? Pure Gold!

3. Check out one of my very favorite sites- Nothing is Wasted. Davey Blackburn and his team have created an extraordinary podcast and content designed to help you “find purpose through the pain.” Their new online community groups are helping people around the world connect with others who truly understand.

This podcast episode is all about finding hope and healing through preserving sweet memories.

“Part of healing is just being open to the fact that it will not always be this hard.”- well I think I might have said that!

My prayer for you today is that you will find hope, healing and ultimately joy-filled life.

Mother’s Day- Remembering the Goodness

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I love my family. Like, seriously love them so much. And celebrations are one of the things we do best. Celebrating things like birthdays, new babies, rain, Gerber daisies, fall leaves and Georgia Football. I think you get the picture. Over the years we’ve lost three of our family favorites, and I remember wondering if I’d ever feel like celebrating again. Maybe that’s you right now, if you’re missing someone you love this Mother’s Day.

Here are a couple ideas I hope will help someone who is struggling right now.

Recognize the Reality

Losing my mom, aka “Beazy,” was one of the hardest roads our family has ever walked. She was the glue that held our crazy puzzle together, with her over-the-top gift of hospitality. Living her best life included welcoming strangers, taking home-cooked meals to friends and creating fun t-shirts with the grand kids at “Camp Beazy.” Mom’s grand kid camp tradition is still going strong- 20 years later!

I wish I could tell you I navigated the tough season of grief with perfect skill and grace; but my temptation was actually to run as far as I could from the pain. Can anybody relate? You may have discovered a few things that anesthetize the pain (for a minute) ~  meds, mac and cheese, maybe margaritas? Too bad that comfort can’t last! 

The one thing that did make a difference was setting aside time to get away from technology and other distractions and be still. As I rested in solitude, I’d try to allow the waves of sorrow to wash over me, rather than running from the pain. Those moments were never easy, but always seemed to bring

Remember and Celebrate the Goodness    

Back to Beazy. She was honestly no ordinary mom. Even when a kindergarten brother, who shall remain nameless (you know who you are) carved, “I LOVE MOMY” with his tiny scissors- on her mahogany dining table, she found a way to keep on loving the little criminal angel.

There was nothing you could ever do to change her crazy gigantic love for you. No matter what. To her, people were more important than things. Always.

I want to be more like that when I grow up.

If you’re missing someone this Mother’s Day, remember their story is much too important to be forgotten. I encourage you to keep memories fresh by 1) saying her name and 2) telling and re-telling her story. Reaching out on social media is an excellent way to invite friends and family to share a photo or memory- maybe even one you’ve never seen or heard before!

It was an honor to join the phenomenal Colleen Kavanaugh on The After Life Podcast to discuss how to handle special days while grieving. Hope you’ll give it a listen. 

Does your family have special traditions for celebrating an awesome person you’re missing? Please share them with us on the Grief Survivor Facebook page.